I just now had about the most bizarre text conversation of my life. It started with a random incoming text and went down some pretty strange roads. I played along, as you will see, and “she” seemed to as well. Kind of NSFW in some parts, but whatever. Have a read:
[12:12am] Them: Hey baby girl.
Me: I don’t think this is who you think it is.
Me: Definitely not Chelsea
Them: Well can we still have some fun?
Me: What did you have in mind?
Them: Whips and chains?
Me: Not really my thing. How good are you with snakes?
Them: Depends, where do you want them?
Me: On second thought, forget snakes. Tell me what you were looking at the moment before you looked at your phone just now.
Them: A no parking sign. Tell me your secret fetish.
Me: Random interesting people texting me. As you can imagine, I’m doing pretty well right now.
Them: Would you like to choke me spank me and pull my hair?
Me: Yeesh! Do I at least get to buy you dinner first?
Them: Only if I can be daddys little cutie ;)
Me: “daddy”? What makes you so sure I’m a guy?
Them: Well chelsea was. But you can be my daddy either way.
Me: Chelsea is an odd name for a guy. Are you into guys with feminine names?
Them: Whats weird about chelsea? And ohm whats your name.
Me: Jeremy. And you?
Them: Where’d you go babe?
Me: Had to feed my cat. Anywho! Where were we?
Them: You were about to tell me how you were going to make love to me.
Me: Oh, right! Well, I would obviously make love to you in the impeccable style of Mad Men’s Don Draper: your hair in one hand and a whiskey in the other.
Them: No tell me how you’ll touch me.
Me: Expertly. Deftly. Leaving nothing to chance but the degree to which you would glimpse heaven in your raw ecstasy.
Them: I want you to throw me against the hood of the car, i want you to rip my clothes off, I want you to hit me and pound me while you bite and claw me.
Me: Done. What else?
Them: I want to lick you up and down until you say stop.
Me: I would never say stop. I would let you lick until your tongue went dry. Like sandpaper. I like it ‘rough’ ifyouknowwhatImean.
Them: Heres how its gonna be, im going to live in a cage in your room, and your gonna take me out for “walks”
Me: Is someone with you? Because that idea is way too devious for one person to hatch on her own.
Them: Im with my friend, we do everything together ;)
Me: Oh, I see what you did there! Look, I appreciate a threesome just as much as the next guy, but all this biting and clawing has got me tuckered out.
Me: What do you say we adjourn for turkey day and you text me whenever you get a craving for hood love, eh?
Them: Well alright, its not turkey day here, but ill text you another time babe.
Me: I look forward to it. Pleasant dreams ;]
[1:16 am] Them: Of you babe
I don’t really understand why this person persisted with the sexting route. I suspect alcohol/drugs, or maybe they too just wanted to have some ‘fun’ with the situation. Really though, a cage? Whips and chains? Why does S&M always have to get involved at some point? Also they totally missed/ignored the blatant Mad Men reference. I was really hoping to go somewhere with that.
I will of course post a followup if this person ever texts again. In the meantime, shoot me your thoughts at twitter.com/storrence.
PS. Random Sara just sent me a text obviously directed to someone else… again. The drunk sexting theory is looking more and more plausible by the second.